Stmarie’s Weblog

2012 Election Information

God Save the Queen !!!!!! November 9, 2008

After Barack Obama was elected I received this mandate from the Queen of England.

To the citizens of the United  States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen  Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in  recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of  the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice  of the revocation of your independence, effective  immediately.
(You should look up  ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English  Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign  Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over  all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas,  which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime  Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America  without the need for further elections.
Congress and the  Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire may be  circulated next year to determine whether any of you  noticed.
To aid in the  transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules  are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter ‘U’  will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’  ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’  Likewise, you will learn to  spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters,  and  the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’   Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to  acceptable levels.  (look up ‘vocabulary’).  

2. Using the same  twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as  ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an  unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is  no such thing as U.S. English. We will let  Microsoft know on your  behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will  be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u”  and the elimination of  ‘-ize.’  

3. July 4th will  no longer be celebrated as a holiday.  
4. You will learn  to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or  therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and  therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be  independent.  Guns should only be used for shooting  grouse.  If you can’t sort things out without suing  someone or speaking to a therapist,then you’re not ready to  shoot grouse.  
5. Therefore, you  will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more  dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  Although a permit  will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in  public.  
6. All  intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will  start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At  the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and  without the benefit of conversion tables.   Both  roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the  British sense of humour.  
7. The former USA  will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling  gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.  Get used to  it.  
8. You will learn  to make real chips.  Those things you call French fries  are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling  potato chips are properly called crisps.  Real chips are  thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup  but with vinegar.  
9. The cold,  tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually  beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will  be referred to as beer, and European brews of  known and  accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  South  African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound  the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due  to the beer.  They are also part of the British  Commonwealth – see what it did for them.  American brands  will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all  can be sold without risk of further  confusion.  
0.  Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors  as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to  cast English actors to play English characters.  Watching  Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and  a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears  removed  with a cheese grater.  
1. You will cease playing  American football.  There is only one kind of proper  football; you call it soccer.  Those of you brave enough  will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some  similarities to American football, but does not involve  stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full  kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).   
12. Further, you  will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host  an event called the World Series for a game which is not  played outside of America.  Since only 2.1% of you are  aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is  understandable.  You will learn cricket, and we will let  you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of  their deliveries.  
3. You must tell us who  killed JFK.  It’s been driving us mad.  
4. An internal revenue agent  (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be  with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due  (backdated to 1776).  
5. Daily Tea Time begins  promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never  mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus  strawberries (with cream)  when in  season.  
God Save the  Queen!  


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